Mourning Is Just Extended Self-pity.

Let's start things off on a high, because they're about to get shit.

For as long as I can remember I looked up to my dad because he drove a BMW. I think they are beautiful machines, masterpieces of the motor industry. Naturally, for as long as I can remember I one day wanted to own one too but the problem was I never really understood how expensive they are. For the kind of car my dad has you're talking £50,000 new, or about £30,000 for a pre-owned one with an age of about 2. I would love a 5.30 M-Sport, however I don't think I'd be able to drive it because of my huge, throbbing erection. On the other hand I don't want to settle for a car that you see every day; I was a 6.40, or an M6! There's the problem you see, the better the car, the higher the cost. The higher the cost, the more demanding on your wage.

Now for the shit...

I used to want to be a teacher until I realised I enjoyed business more, plus there is more money to be made out of it. Then when I wanted to progress my career in a supermarket I thought my ceiling would be Store Manager but recently I've come to learn this wouldn't be good enough for me. It would be settling for a 5.30 when in actual fact I want an M6! I don't want to stop at being in charge of a store, I want to be a Store Director, in charge of a group, driving my 6.40 around north-west Scotland. Screw that, I want to be Operations Director, driving my M6 around the whole of Scotland! But that's easier said than done...

It seems to be that in Britain people look down at you for wanting to be successful. It's like owning a good car, people don't congratulate you, they envy you because they couldn't be fucked to put in the effort to get one for themselves. In the company that employs me as soon as anyone wants to progress up the ladder every other employee seems to hate them and think they are pompous. Maybe I'm just not as comfortable being as powerless as everyone else. I want it all. In my job I'm just going places I've already been, and I hate it. It's not about what people expect of me, it's about what I want.

Now onto my cynical point. People piss me off to high heavens with their bullshit. If you are choosing to talk to or at me then I don't want to hear any negativity. Even if it's not negative but it's something I might not want to hear then don't tell me. Unless I specifically ask then I don't want to know; I do not care about you or your problems unless they are going to have a direct effect on my life.

That may sound a little harsh but when you take into account the amount of people who complain endlessly about their own lives then you might understand where I'm coming from. This seems to be an environment where everyone feels so free to fail in. I'm living my life like every day is my last, because it is. It goes back to the people that look down on others that try to get ahead. If you're a customer assistant at any company you're the bottom of the food chain. You get shat on by everyone else. You get ALL the bullshit because your boss' boss' boss was pissed off so your boss' boss takes it out on your boss then your boss takes it out on you. We walk around while the walls fall down around us. Because we are the least important, most important thing there is.

If someone feels they have failed in their life then I don't want to be brought down by their nostalgic sob story. I'm already cynical enough and I'm 20. Did you know that in Greek "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound"? I don't want your regret and pain passed over to me when I'm trying to make something for myself.

To end this on a happy note I'm going to mention that my blog has had 1,300 views. Zoe and I are finally getting along again and I for one am certainly looking forward to a free-drink filled holiday!

And one last point about my career: It's my life, I don't know how long it's going to last but I know it won't end well. I have to move forward and fast.

Poking The Bear.

A few people have told me the parents of the girl who has presumed my last couple of posts have been about her are apparently going to the police about my blog if I post again. I find this hilarious. Before I start I'd just like to say that nothing I say here is an admission that the original post was about her or anyone in particular, it could have been fiction. Nor can you really link this post to the actual parents.

But what are they going to go to the police with, a guilty conscious? "My daughter is also fat, disloyal and dumb, so this blog must be about her!" I never mentioned any names on my blog, for the pure and simple fact that I don't want to be accused of harassing anyone. If it appears that any of the posts are directed at any one individual then that is nothing more that a coincidence and circumstantial evidence.

So, without further adieu, let's talk about Blumpkin again! Blumpkin, being the terrible human being, and friend, that she is fell out with Z (ex-girlfriend) again this weekend because she and I are remaining civil. That is right, how pathetic. So instead of going to Z and talking to her about it like any person with half a brain would do, again, she took to twitter and indirectly tweeted about the situation! I can't stress enough how much of a nimrod Blumpkin actually is. If any biologists or neurologists out there are reading this, please contact me to explain if it's possible for fat cells to actually attack and break down brain cells.

She claims to be this all-amazing friend that is always going to be there for Z but I presume that was all for show when you consider she doesn't even let Z talk to who she wants. These people are 18 years old, may I add.

This post isn't really going anywhere, I just wanted to highlight the lack of personal integrity in these people's lives. So if you want to sue me for assuming I'm writing about you or your family on my blog then by all means try. As my good friend said to me, the police will probably take the approach of "well, I was going to solve this murder but I'd better drop that for your fucking petty drama". Honestly, it baffles me why these people give a shit about this blog, I certainly don't and I'm the author.

More News!

I thought I'd better update my blog for my avid fanclub, but it's late, I'm working early tomorrow and I can't really be bothered so it's gonna be short and sloppy.

First things first! Remember the bit in my previous post about a guy that bounced around between two friends? Yeah, well remember that I didn't name names? Someone from Forfar who assumed I was referring to them with that comment started talking to me the other day, basically roaring abuse that made no relevant sense to anything. The thing I did find amusing though was that when I pointed out that because I didn't name a name that his guilty conscious just confirmed what I said was correct he literally had no good comeback. He then went down the primary 3 approach and started saying stuff like "you have no life" and "your a pathetic little boy". Direct quotes, may I add. If I had no life I'd be dead, plus I'm not about to let someone who can't spell "you're" correct affect my emotions.

Secondly, someone who used to be Zoe's best friend but ditched her because she chose me over un-friendzoning this guy vouched to "take [me] down". He got all high and mighty saying that he was always there for Zoe but if this were true, surely he wouldn't have gone around behind her back bitching and moaning about her...

My third and final point of tonight is back onto the aforementioned person from point one. One of the ways he tried to belittle me was by saying that I am a pathetic because I bully girls. Right, fair enough if I was actually bullying any girls, but I still don't understand how the fact they're girls changes anything. Is he somehow insinuating that they are lesser people and I am using the fact men are more powerful to gain leverage over them? Now, I find this kind of ironic for one pure and simple reason. I found out from someone in Forfar that this person had a male best friend. This male best friend was a crossdresser and when this was revealed he never spoke to his best friend ever again. How ignorant is this prick to do that to his best friend? I'm pathetic for "bullying" females but it's okay for him to disown his childhood friend who basically complimented him by saying he felt 100% comfortable around the guy? I guess that just says he's too neanderthalic to understand what was going on in his cross-dressing friend's mind. I am all for the LGBTC community.

This rant is over - for now - but this is the level of human intelligence I have to put up with on a daily basis.

And I'm the Pathetic One?

Zoe has two main friends, and because of how immature and pathetic these friends are I will give them an alias because I'm scared they'll sue me (they're that kind of people) but alas, I will describe them!

Friend  1: I'm gonna call her Blumbkin because I can imagine her doing that. And because "blumbkin" for me conjures up images of fat things. She has long, black greasy hair, a Jew nose and weird teeth. They're also pretty yellow. She is incredibly fat but wears tight t-shirts that show the folds off. She's also the kind of friend who's only to be found when she has something to gain. The reason she hates me is because I demanded fuel money for two trips to Dundee and got angry at her because it took her 7 weeks to give me it even though she was going out etc etc. If I was a bank, I'd have taken her fucking car as collateral.

Friend 2: She can be called Flower, because she reminds me of a hippy. She has really bad acne on her face, a ridiculous dress sense and hair like a scarecrow. Her voice also makes a rape whistle sound nice. She also has a low alcohol tolerance and gives out hand jobs at parties like they're swizzle sticks. The reason this girl hates me, I think, is because she's trying to be like everyone else. Either that or she's just as bat-shit-crazy as her mother. Mental illness is genetic.

I'll keep this post as brief as I can, but basically they took to Twitter to, again, indirectly slam me for being such a shit boyfriend to Zoe. Now, I have two problems with this:

Number 1: Blumbkin had a boyfriend that nobody ever saw, and whom most of her close friends thought she made up (yeah, that also points to how mentally reliable she is if her own friends thought she was lying about her boyfriend) and he cheated on her. So, to get him back she went to his, fucked him then left. As a sort of you-fuck-me, I-fuck-you power play. Obviously this girl has no place to be questioning my morals. Also, I'm pretty sure that's conclusive evidence she was lying about the boyfriend, because not even Roscoe Arbuckle would have fucked this chick.

Number 2: This is a small reason and not a very good one, but it's a reason nonetheless. Flower has never been in a relationship. Not a proper one, so how would she know what it's like to drift so far from someone that you turn to another person of the opposite sex for closure? Short answer; she wouldn't.

There was also this random girl in Zoe's year, annoying as hell, that piped up and Tweeted this:

"you made the mistake, you lost her. stop being a total creep. #creep #pisofjack"

Now, first of all, I'm not going to let someone who can't even spell "off" properly get me down. Second thing, I would really like to know how I'm being a creep. Please, somebody educate me. I've not done anything Zoe hasn't during this break up. Apart from the thing my previous blog post was about but that wasn't me being a creep. Complete asshole - yes, creep - no.

Oh! That reminds me! Morals! Everyone knows that if your friend dated someone then they are off limits. No way, Josey. Flower was smitten with this guy from Forfar, can't remember his name, then they went sideways (as it would if you were a boy dealing with Flower) and a few months or so later Blumpkin started seeing him. Now she claims that Flower was "okay" with it, but of course she'd fucking say that! Flower is the kind of person that can't stand up for herself; hence the indirect tweeting about me.

But WHY have they been sitting on Twitter indirectly bashing me and my blog for the past 4 hours? Do they not know I love that? Everybody knows I crave people's hate filled attention. It fuels me like the high intake of saturated fats fuel Blumpkin.

Hell Hath no Fury Like a Woman Scorned. Or Two.

It's time to be honest; honesty is my policy. If you know me then you'll understand the irony of that statement.

So, if you've read my previous posts then you'll know about Zoe and my break up, you'll know why and you'll know that I like Iona as more than a friend. Oh, you'll also know I find it incredibly difficult putting the dead to rest as rang true with Zoe and I. But that didn't stop me trying to move on.

I thought I found someone who would help me move on. Who would take my mind off of Zoe and would let me enjoy my life again and that person was of course Iona. Iona and I had been meeting up on regular intervals, just mucking about usually talking for hours in the car or going to McDonald's. It was fun. It made me happy which is becoming an increasingly rarer emotion in my life. I was far from over Zoe though, I still loved the Zoe that I'd been with for over a year, but she was gone. At the same time I was falling for Iona.

Now, Iona and I weren't in a relationship and as a matter of fact whenever anyone asked her if we were she would say no, so as much as I liked her, I didn't realise I was hers. So whilst meeting up with Iona I was also still seeing Zoe, mainly to help her home from work, or to chat or have a cheeky wee fag but at times it was also still very much a sexual relationship.

I tried to hide it from both of them by just trying not to talk about the other to the other, I tried to keep it clean and simple but of course there was going to be times that was unavoidable. So that was when I started lying.

Last Friday I went through to Dundee to confront Zoe when she finished work and put all of this to bed. For the past few weeks she has said I've changed and she can't see her ever being with me again. To an extent I have changed. I've changed because the person I was isn't needed by anyone anymore, and especially not me. I've changed to protect myself. To cut a conversation short, we basically ended up saying that we would never work again and that was final. So I thought that would be it and I'd be able to move on.

Let us jump to this morning. Me trying to be the honest version of me told Zoe that Iona had asked me out for tea, and I didn't want Zoe to find out from anyone else, or to bump into us in Dundee. I expected this to go down better than it did considering Zoe had spent the past few weeks telling me we were over and nothing was ever going to happen between us. Apparently I was meant to see that as her trying to cover her feelings of want for me up (I'm not a mind reader) and she threw a massive tantrum. So she confessed everything to Iona. Everything that Zoe and I have done in the past month while I was meeting up with Iona.

Zoe says her reasons for doing so was to show and prove to me that she still loves me. Which basically translates as: "If we can't work, are you fuck getting to be with anyone else". My whole day has been spent explaining everything to Iona and trying not to belittle Zoe to a point she kills herself; I am incredibly angry with her.

Iona brought it up that my lack of a fight for her has upset her. I don't know for sure why I didn't bother but I do have two theories. One is that I didn't want to patronise her by apologising, because I knew exactly what I was doing, and I don't believe you can regret something if you were fully aware of the probable outcome. the second reason is that I just can't be fucked fighting anymore. Fighting with Zoe has drained me so much mentally that I don't care if I'm proven to be in the wrong anymore.

Iona also actually said to me: "What would you think of me and Zoe becoming 'friends'?". Now at this point I could have just ended it all. I wanted to get into my car and wrap it around a tree. What is this? They had bonded over a mutual hate for me, even though at one point they both fucked the other over with me. Worlds collide, huh?

After it all though, after everything that has been uncovered today though, I finally breathed a sigh of relief.  For the first time in a while I didn't have to chose which one of them I wanted; the decision was made for me. I'm left with neither. Iona says that she still wants me to fight for her, but that would be a smoldering ashtray of a relationship that could have been fantastic. Zoe says she still wants the old me, but I know she'd never be able to forgive me for being with Iona.

I want Iona more than I want Zoe purely on the basis that if Zoe and I weren't done before, we sure as hell are after that little show this morning. But I could never let myself be in a relationship with someone I so heavily fucked over. I don't deserve her. I am not even a good enough person for this psychotic version of Zoe.

In the end my reaction to this just confirmed something that I thought about myself all along. I'm a self-saboteur. My figurative self watches from the sidelines while my conscious self lights a match and burns everything around me worth having to the ground.

"Get The Look"

I've noticed that on clothing websites these days they all have a "get the look" section where you are given a model wearing an outfit and you can purchase all you see. No. If I wanted to look like a space cadet, which is what "fashion" makes you look like these days, I'd walk around drooling all over myself.

Now Cameron and I have spoken about this many a time, and we both wish it weren't so socially unacceptable to wear a suit all the time. That way you look classy, not "preppy", whatever the fuck that means. Business preppy used to mean that it was bright colours for dress down days, now it means you wear feminine t-shirts and even more feminine jeans. What happened to "being a man"?

That brings me to my next point: Harrington jackets. Steve McQueen wore them, Frank Sinatra wore them, they must be manly as fuck then. That's why I'm going to buy one, along with a plain white polo shirt, and a pair of neutral coloured chinos. Neutral colours are the dullest of all the colours, but also the most formal in a casual setting, therefore, the most manly. None of this neon deep v-neck shit that these hipsters buy by the shipload.

Iona and I were sending each other links on newlook.com and it's actually kinda refreshing to see a teenage girl with the same kind of style as me, although I still get the impression she'd think I was a weirdo if I showed up in trousers, a shirt and a sweater which is what I wore all winter.

Summer clothes are difficult to buy without being feminine, I mean how masculine can a pair of shorts be? The answer: not very, especially with today's "style". I think for this summer I will get some cream chino shorts, a white polo shirt, and a navy cricket jumper. Classy without being too formal, but no where near as poncy as what other "men" will be wearing this summer.

Oh, I also need lots of Canadian Club and cigarettes. I'm doing summer 2013 Don Draper style. He had a Harrington jacket, you know.

Freedom, but Not Really.

Zoe and I had a very... 'close' relationship. We always knew what the other was doing and it was nice, but sometimes very irritating. If any guy tells you he's not jealous and/or protective over his girlfriend he is either lying or doesn't give a shit about her.

When we broke up I was relieved because I thought I'd finally be able to do what I wanted, without a shitstorm raining down on me, but how I was wrong. Not that long ago I was with Iona, and even though Zoe isn't my girlfriend anymore she still went absolutely ape. Now this pissed me off, because of two reasons. Reason 1: I am single, what right does she have to tell me what I can and can't do? Reason 2: She maintains that I'd be the same. While there's a degree of truth in that, I wouldn't show her I was annoyed, because I have no right to be annoyed and I hate showing my feelings to people I'm not close to anymore. 

Today is a prime example. Zoe, assuming because I didn't answer my phone immediately meant that I was with Iona got extremely angry at me. I'm trying to cut down the amount I talk to her because it will just make it harder to let go and it's not fair on Zoe to keep her attached. It's also not fair on Iona who has outwardly expressed interest in me and me to her. May I take time to point out that the reason I missed her call was in actual fact because my phone was on silent and I don't currently have credit to reply. That got me thinking though. I told Zoe I wanted to remain civil and be friends, but today made me realise that cannot possibly happen. It cannot happen for one fundamental reason; it's just too soon.

Over the past few days I've come to realise that Zoe and I will never turn out the way we thought, which is truly heartbreaking. I can only apologise to her with the deepest of regret that I won't be able to give her what she wanted. But I do want her to be happy without me but I know that means one day watching her fall in love with somebody else.

Of course I'm still protective and jealous over Zoe, hell, I still get annoyed when I see stuff about Hannah and Calum on Facebook, curly haired fuck. But it's time to move on. Who knows where that will take me, it might be with Iona, it might not. Iona does however make me happy, make me smile, listens to me and seems to genuinely care about my problems. She also loves Aston Martins and Bora Bora.

You can never be certain of your future and that is why I need to start doing things because I want to do them, not because it will suit someone else the best. No girl will last a lifetime, but you will.