It's time to be honest; honesty is my policy. If you know me then you'll understand the irony of that statement.
So, if you've read my previous posts then you'll know about Zoe and my break up, you'll know why and you'll know that I like Iona as more than a friend. Oh, you'll also know I find it incredibly difficult putting the dead to rest as rang true with Zoe and I. But that didn't stop me trying to move on.
I thought I found someone who would help me move on. Who would take my mind off of Zoe and would let me enjoy my life again and that person was of course Iona. Iona and I had been meeting up on regular intervals, just mucking about usually talking for hours in the car or going to McDonald's. It was fun. It made me happy which is becoming an increasingly rarer emotion in my life. I was far from over Zoe though, I still loved the Zoe that I'd been with for over a year, but she was gone. At the same time I was falling for Iona.
Now, Iona and I weren't in a relationship and as a matter of fact whenever anyone asked her if we were she would say no, so as much as I liked her, I didn't realise I was hers. So whilst meeting up with Iona I was also still seeing Zoe, mainly to help her home from work, or to chat or have a cheeky wee fag but at times it was also still very much a sexual relationship.
I tried to hide it from both of them by just trying not to talk about the other to the other, I tried to keep it clean and simple but of course there was going to be times that was unavoidable. So that was when I started lying.
Last Friday I went through to Dundee to confront Zoe when she finished work and put all of this to bed. For the past few weeks she has said I've changed and she can't see her ever being with me again. To an extent I have changed. I've changed because the person I was isn't needed by anyone anymore, and especially not me. I've changed to protect myself. To cut a conversation short, we basically ended up saying that we would never work again and that was final. So I thought that would be it and I'd be able to move on.
Let us jump to this morning. Me trying to be the honest version of me told Zoe that Iona had asked me out for tea, and I didn't want Zoe to find out from anyone else, or to bump into us in Dundee. I expected this to go down better than it did considering Zoe had spent the past few weeks telling me we were over and nothing was ever going to happen between us. Apparently I was meant to see that as her trying to cover her feelings of want for me up (I'm not a mind reader) and she threw a massive tantrum. So she confessed everything to Iona. Everything that Zoe and I have done in the past month while I was meeting up with Iona.
Zoe says her reasons for doing so was to show and prove to me that she still loves me. Which basically translates as: "If we can't work, are you fuck getting to be with anyone else". My whole day has been spent explaining everything to Iona and trying not to belittle Zoe to a point she kills herself; I am incredibly angry with her.
Iona brought it up that my lack of a fight for her has upset her. I don't know for sure why I didn't bother but I do have two theories. One is that I didn't want to patronise her by apologising, because I knew exactly what I was doing, and I don't believe you can regret something if you were fully aware of the probable outcome. the second reason is that I just can't be fucked fighting anymore. Fighting with Zoe has drained me so much mentally that I don't care if I'm proven to be in the wrong anymore.
Iona also actually said to me: "What would you think of me and Zoe becoming 'friends'?". Now at this point I could have just ended it all. I wanted to get into my car and wrap it around a tree. What is this? They had bonded over a mutual hate for me, even though at one point they both fucked the other over with me. Worlds collide, huh?
After it all though, after everything that has been uncovered today though, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. For the first time in a while I didn't have to chose which one of them I wanted; the decision was made for me. I'm left with neither. Iona says that she still wants me to fight for her, but that would be a smoldering ashtray of a relationship that could have been fantastic. Zoe says she still wants the old me, but I know she'd never be able to forgive me for being with Iona.
I want Iona more than I want Zoe purely on the basis that if Zoe and I weren't done before, we sure as hell are after that little show this morning. But I could never let myself be in a relationship with someone I so heavily fucked over. I don't deserve her. I am not even a good enough person for this psychotic version of Zoe.
In the end my reaction to this just confirmed something that I thought about myself all along. I'm a self-saboteur. My figurative self watches from the sidelines while my conscious self lights a match and burns everything around me worth having to the ground.
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